Reality check before a big talk
A quick pre conversation checklist so you know your goal, timing, and nervous system are solid before you bring up something hard.
Pick your entry point
Use the lane that matches your nervous system right now.
Go into the checklist and tighten your goal and scope.
Regulate first, then speak.
Pause and choose timing intentionally.
Reality check checklist
Use this right before you bring up something hard.
What is my real goal?
Finish this sentence: If this conversation goes well, the outcome I am hoping for is ___.
Connection or correction?
Pick one primary purpose so the other person does not feel cornered.
Is my body in threat mode?
Check your body, not your thoughts. Are you shaky, tight, wired, or rushing?
Can I tolerate their response?
If they disagree, go quiet, or get emotional, can you stay steady and not over explain?
Is the timing strategic?
Avoid exhaustion, conflict, public settings, and rushed transitions. Ask for a time when both nervous systems have bandwidth.
One sentence version
Say it in one sentence first: The main thing I want to say is ___. Then stop.
Why this works
Two fast truths that matter when your nervous system is lit up.
If I explain better, it will go better.
When stress spikes, language gets longer and more defensive. Regulation keeps reasoning online.
Timing is not a big deal.
Strategic timing reduces threat and increases the chance of problem solving.
When this checklist is not enough
This gives you structure. The next layer gives you words when stress steals language.
Short lines for defensiveness, shutdown, and circular arguments.
What to say after, without reopening conflict.