Free guide • Evidence informed • Plain language

What Is Yours to Hold and What Is Not

This guide helps you sort responsibility using a simple, research grounded framework. Hold what is yours. Share what belongs to the system. Return what was never meant for you.

Hold Share Return

How to use this page

Designed to work when you are overloaded.

  • Read once for understanding
  • Return when you feel overwhelmed
  • Choose one script and repeat it for 7 days
The rule: You can care deeply without carrying responsibility that is not yours.

Educational resource. Not therapy or diagnosis. If safety is a concern, prioritize professional support.

The Listening Room illustration
Guiding idea: Clear roles create calm. Calm makes connection possible.
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Step 1: Spot the invisible weight

Step 1: Spot the invisible weight

60 seconds. No deep dive. Just clarity.

Quick check
  • Did you try to prevent someone else’s mood
  • Did you fix something you did not create
  • Did you carry responsibility without authority
  • Did guilt show up when you paused or said no

If yes, you are likely carrying Return weight or holding Share weight alone.

The simplest rule
Stress is demand. Chronic distress is responsibility without authority.

The solution is correct assignment, not more effort and not more explaining.

Step 2: Sort one heavy thing

Pick one. Sort it. Breathe.

Pick what feels heavy. Then sort it using Hold, Share, or Return. You only need to sort one thing today.

Someone else’s mood
Conflict between others
Household logistics
Preventing consequences
Your reaction
A child’s feelings
Result
Hold what you can choose: your response, your tone, your limits.
Kind boundary tip: One sentence of care plus one sentence of limit is usually enough.

Step 3: Use the framework in real time

Short cues. Gentle language. Clear responsibility.

Hold

Plain language: what you can choose.

  • Your choices
  • Your tone and repair
  • Your limits
Fast cue: If you can choose it, you can hold it.
Share

Plain language: what affects the household or team.

  • Logistics, planning, upkeep
  • Communication and coordination
  • Repair after conflict
Fast cue: If it affects everyone, it cannot live on one person.
Return

Plain language: you can be compassionate without being responsible.

Common Return weight
  • Adult emotions
  • Adult conflict
  • Other people’s consequences
  • Being the reason everyone is okay
Fast cue
If you are responsible but have no authority, it is misplaced.

Returning can be kind. It can sound like care plus limit.

The Listening Room illustration
Boundary reminder: Boundaries are not rejection. They are responsibility clarity.
Kinder boundary formula

Care + Limit + Next step

  • Care: I get that this is hard
  • Limit: I can do this much
  • Next step: Here is what we can do next
Example: I care about this. I can talk for ten minutes. Then we choose one next step.

7 day practice plan

Small steps, real relief. Consistency over perfection.

Day 1 to 2

Notice

  • When you feel I have to fix this
  • Ask: do I have authority here
  • If not, it is likely Return
Day 3 to 5

Sort

  • Hold: your response
  • Share: name the next step
  • Return: stop carrying it
Day 6 to 7

Repeat

  • Choose one script
  • Say it calmly
  • Do not over explain
Adjustment
If you feel harsh, add one sentence of care. If you feel wobbly, shorten the limit.