Regulation plan for high conflict days
High conflict does not just happen in the inbox. It happens in your body. This page gives you a calm, repeatable plan so your words stay brief, factual, and child focused.
Before you reply: regulate first, then write.
While you write: one purpose, two facts, one next step.
After contact: recover so your body can stand down.
The goal is not to feel nothing. The goal is to come down enough to choose your words on purpose.
Stabilize, Draft, Recover
This works because it lowers arousal before language, reduces decision fatigue during language, and releases stress after contact.
Stabilize (2 to 10 minutes)
Pick one body cue that brings you down even 10 percent. That is enough to write better.
- Cold water on hands or face
- Snack + water before replying
- Longer exhales than inhales
- Shoulders down, jaw unclenched
Draft (brief, factual, child focused)
Use a simple structure: one purpose, two facts, one next step. No defending. No history lessons.
- One topic per message
- Offer two options, ask one question
- Skip explaining intent
- Confirm time, place, who is doing what
Recover (3 to 12 minutes)
Your body needs an off ramp. Recovery prevents the adrenaline hangover that shows up later.
- Short walk, even indoors
- Warm drink, shoulders relaxed
- Write a 3 line debrief
- One song, then silence
If your nervous system is loud, use this ladder
Then delay by 20 minutes and do one stabilizer. Rushed replies are where extra sentences sneak in.
Then reply to logistics only. Ignore tone. Confirm the child related next step.
Then draft in notes, do not send. Re read later and remove any sentence that explains you.
- Explaining your intent
- Correcting their feelings
- Rewriting history
- Multiple topics in one thread
- Any sentence you would not want read aloud
Free copy and paste template
Template:
Thanks for the message. For [child name], I can do [option A] or [option B]. Please confirm which you prefer by [time].
If neither works, suggest two alternatives and I will pick one.
This is intentionally boring. Boring holds up better later.
Know your zone before you hit send
Regulation means your body has enough safety cues to let your thinking brain participate. It does not mean you approve of what is happening. It means you can respond with strategy.
Clear enough to choose your words
You can feel feelings and still communicate with purpose. This is your best timing for anything complicated.
Keep it simple, follow the plan
Your urge is to defend. Use the structure anyway. Short message. One topic. One next step.
Pause first, draft later
Shaky, flooded, numb, furious, frozen. This is not a writing zone. Stabilize, then revisit.
If your body is loud, your message will be too
When your nervous system is hot, you overexplain or escalate. Regulate first. Write second.
Want the printable version? Download the plan, then return to the library when you are ready to add one more tool.